I applied for a job today at a school where the tuition is $25,000 a year. That means that by a time a child graduates from sixth grade at the school, if the child started in pre-k, the parents will have paid $200,000 for their child's education. And I somehow doubt that these kids will be going to public high school, or even college, for that matter. Sheesh. Still, I applied. I tell myself that these kids need good teachers too, that it may only be for the rest of this year, blah, blah, blah, but the truth is, I know that I will be selling out if I go there. When I dreamed of being a teacher, my thoughts were more Dangerous Minds than Dead Poet's Society. Unfortunately, though, I have found lately that whether it's my lack of military training or my whiteness and small build, I may not be cut out for the worst of the worst. It's a tough realization to come to, but I think it's necessary for my own sanity, and to help my avoid having to leave another job in October because I am paralyzed by anxiety.

A word about inspirational teaching movies. I love uplifting films. In fact, sports movies constitute one of my favorite genres, even though they are about as predictable as an episode of Cold Case. My friend Sarah and I, kindred spirits in many ways, not least importantly in our love of sports movies, broke these movies down into their essential components- adversity of some kind (race, age, inexperience) meets the challenge presented by the bigger (older, whiter) team with the help of a hard-boiled (idealistic, washed-out) coach through hard work, team bonding and the realization that we are more than the sum of our parts. Cue inspirational practice montage, followed by intimate look into the characters' personal drama, closing with the big game. Think about your own favorite sports movie, and I can almost guarantee that it will fit the above criteria. And yet, I can't get enough.

Teaching movies are similar to sports movies in many ways. Young, inexperience teacher, through hard work and realization that yes, these are kids, too, with limitless potential that can be unlocked through unorthodox teaching methods and a willingness to fight the existing establishment. Cue inspirational classroom montage, intimate look into the characters' personal drama and feel-good ending. However, unlike sports movies, I avoid teaching movies whenever possible, and I would advise potential teachers to do the same. I have not seen Freedom Writers, or any other movie in the genre which will inevitably be coming soon to a theater near you. You see, my problem with these movies is that they are not real. Sure, they may have happened, but that exceptional teacher is just that, exceptional. The reality is that teaching is incredibly difficult, and that half of all teachers leave within the first three years. In my experience, and that of my many teaching friends, our first years of teaching were spent struggling daily to keep our heads above water, praying that we were reaching a least of few our our 25+ students, forcing ourselves out of bed in the morning, reminding ourselves that we asked for this. It is not glamorous, and it is not fun, and most of the time, it is not redemptive.

In rereading what I just wrote, I sound horribly cynical, to the point where some people might read it and think, "Well, clearly she is just not cut out for teaching. It will be different for me." It is true that I am realizing that I may not be cut out for certain kinds of teaching, namely those that require me to hand over my whole life, all my waking hours, and a good portion of my sanity. I am not saying that there aren't people who can't be successful in a challenging urban environment. In fact, I am banking on the fact that such people exist, because I refuse to believe that my former students and those in similar situations should have to put of with an inferior education just because of where they were born. All I'm saying is that it is a lot harder than I have seen it depicted on film. I love Sister Act II, but unless you have Lauren Hill herself in your class, best of luck turning things around in six weeks.

For those wanting some inspiration that won't ruin you for life, I would recommend Mr. Holland's Opus or the memoir Educating Esmé. The former focuses on the transformation of the teacher rather than the students and strikes me, based on my experience, as the most authentic movie about teaching that I have seen. The latter is an actual true story, not a loosely-based Hollywood remake of what was once a true story, and the author has realistic first-year successes and failures.

A few weeks ago, I started substitute teaching at a charter school that I think strikes a balance between the challenges of urban teaching and the supports needed for teachers to succeed in that environment. I really like it there, and I plan on describing it in more detail in future posts. However, I have also applied to teach at the aforemention private school, and if they'll have me, and I go there, my biggest fear is not that I will be selling out. It's that I won't mind.